There’s much talk about issues with masculinity in our society at present, and I wanted to discuss my thoughts. I believe that the left-wing feminists have labelled toxic masculinity inappropriately, and with leaders, such a trump being one of those mainly targeted. I think the ideology has been confused. For the majority of families, the man tends to pursue the career path while the woman tends to play more of a role in childcare. I’m not going to argue whether that’s right or wrong, I believe it’s neither, the issue is situational and whatever condition is appropriate for a given family is the correct route to take.
No one can predict the future, it does not exist, and therefore, no one can predict relationship outcomes, but relationship success does predict a positive outcome for children. However, some issues occur when the father is not involved enough or sufficiently integrated with the development of his son’s masculinity. In our modern-day society, many relationships have failed for any given reason, and this often results in the separation of parents during a child’s development. In Western Australia, there is a fly-in, fly-out culture that can leave fathers away for a large proportion of the early years of their child’s lives, and within the first five years, a child’s brain develops more and faster than at any other period. A child’s early experiences — their relationships and the things they see, hear, touch, smell, and taste — stimulate their brain, creating millions of connections. This period is when the foundations for learning, health, and behaviours establish. Therefore a fully integrated relationship with both mother and father is essential for the development of a child’s psyche because that predicts their outcomes and structures their beliefs into adulthood.
Without a masculine role model in a boys life, they tend to be surrounded by feminine energy. A rejection of this energy may occur, and the polarity appears when a boy transitions through puberty into adulthood. The male wants to express their independence, and as a result of excessive femininity and a lack of the mature masculine; teenagers can start to reject their feminine traits. These traits that were developed by their nurturing mothers become forbidden, and they begin to seek masculine role models. Without a positive relationship with a father, problems may occur. As the role models, these teenagers seek out usually come from media influences such as superheroes, falsified characters from stories, books or television. These characters do not represent the mature masculine and have encouraged males to withhold their feelings, shy away from vulnerability and bind a sense of shame to essential emotions such compassion and love through fear of looking weak. A concept is similar to that developed by Carl Jung known as boy psychology.
Boy psychology is not a new idea but continues to be a problem in modern-day society. There’s a lack of fatherhood throughout recent history, occurring for many generations since many boys would have been without fathers during WW1 & WW2. It perhaps is an ongoing archetype or It is also happening with millennials. You only have to take a look in the clubs and bars, and witness many 18–30-year-old males acting jealous, childlike and completing devaluing women through no fault of their own. A learnt behaviour. A belief system that’s caused them to express their masculinity in an immature manner, due to a lack of development and awareness in their early adult life of what it means to be a man. In the book — King, Warrior, Magician, Lover, Moore & Gillette describe the transition from boy to man as somewhat of an awakening. Shaman’s in South America and other native tribes would often have some kind of ritual to develop the spirit of a boy into their mature masculinity. These rituals would often involve brutal tests and near-death experiences to test a boys strength and to demonstrate the hardship of responsibility of being true to mature masculine — a leader of the tribe or in our case, business or family.
There seem to be many men stuck in this boyishness, and I would say that until a couple of years ago, I was one of them. Moving to the other side of the world with no future goals, a lack of meaning, I was stuck seeking gratification through alcohol, drugs and engaging in inappropriate behaviour. Men held in this boy psychology are always seeking that next high, perhaps why we see such widespread use of recreational drugs in WA. These men tend to seek gratification through something wild, excessive partying or through acts of stupidity/ humiliation. It’s the lost little boy inside. They are seeking some adventure; however, they are no longer eight years old, they’re men, and I think it’s time to grow up. Life has become a little too open and could be considered too easy for males. We no longer have pressure to take responsibility early, and therefore it seems to take something drastic such as unexpected pregnancy, or loss of a job to shift the mindset to that of a mature masculine. People have children at an older age; there’s no such thing as mandatory military service and men are no longer pressured to accept responsibility for their actions and as a result, can get lost in this mist of depression, anxiety and insecurity because of lack of meaning and purpose, that men in previous generations had forced upon them. As a result, chaos appears and decreases the number of authentic leaders and is a burden to our society.
Such men often create different personas that are opposed to that of the mature masculine -someone who is stable, centred and generative towards themselves. We seem to be witnessing more men who are abusive, overly dominant and even narcissistic. When these men have put in the spotlight such as the president, it demonstrates a poor role model for the rest of men around the world and can be very easy to judge that there is a crisis in masculinity. The personas such individuals create are often very difficult to self-recognise. It’s become a part of your identity, the ego and because it means taking a good honest look at yourself, admitting floor and requires a high level of emotional intelligence and self-awareness, it can be challenging to change. However, I’ve put together a few tips that can help you through this transition. Over the past two years, I’ve been developing myself, using some of these principles to get myself into a healthy relationship, a few promotions at work and a better outlook on life. I hope that sharing these suggested may support other guys to create the change necessary to attract the people and things they genuinely wish to have in their lives.
When it comes to your relationships, it best to take a look at the type of women have been attracting. If you have never given much thought or described to yourself the type of women you wish to have in your life, you tend to end up in relationships with people that are either mirror or the polar opposite to your persona So if you’re an individual who is lacking in confidence and requires healing, you’re more likely to attract women in a similar position. For example, if you find yourself attracting women who are attention seekers, have low confidence and act with slutty behaviour, it’s most likely due to a reflection of your insecurity and lack in faith. The women you wish to attract who are honest, compassionate and trustworthy avoid you like the plague. Women have excellent intuition; it’s protected them from toxic and immature males for thousands of years. Even worse if you’re a guy who thinks to himself that he’s ‘nice guys’ that due to a lack of self-worth has a need to impress, seek validation and wears his heart of his sleeve, you’re most likely to attract the female possessed by their animus. A woman possessed by their animus fears her feminine side, seeks power and self-validation through the destruction of a man, who happens to be stuck in their immature psychology. The animus described by Carl Jung is the unconscious masculine side of a woman. These women tend to be ball-busting bitches. They often seem to be perfect, they tend to mirror the man’s needs to make him feel special, and they entice men through their sexuality. These women they tend to seem to have no heart, are often vain, false and jealous. It is possible to filter our such females as they will usually have social media full of multiple selfies, bikini photos and a long list of failed relationships through no fault of their own.
If you feel the above describes somewhat of yourself then with these tips, you’ll find yourself living a life with the maturity that will create a feeling of abundance, a sense of grounding and you’ll attract the type of women you want in. Those that are confident, nurturing, supportive and genuinely express love towards you and themselves.
1. Stop playing the victim and take responsibility for your actions
Are you always the man who ends up in failed toxic relationships, saying to yourself ‘why does this always happen to me?’ Or ‘why bother they always leave me anyway.’ If this is happening to you, and you have failed to notice the pattern, you need to realise that it’s no one responsibility than yourself to change that. Not only are you attracting the wrong women as I described before, but you’re also most likely thinking with your penis. At the age of 18 years, a man is full of testosterone and has just entered the world of alcohol and sex. If you fail to mature into your true masculinity, you can get stuck in this mindset, and leave you desperate later in life. No one likes to be the only 40-year-old single, having too much fun at a party who’s going nowhere in life. You need to mature, you’ve had to look at your life and take responsibility, through self-leadership to seek a suitable partner for yourself. Stop desiring women just for a mean of short-lived pleasure, and find a woman who is ideal for your future. Find your own values and set boundaries for the women you approach. We all love to look at attractive people, but don’t be fooled by a woman’s appearance. Talk less, ask more questions that are beyond the surface. Find out about their family, hobbies, accomplishments, and aspirations. Women love to talk about these things and you need to work out whether they are suitable for yourself. I wear a necklace around my neck that I had made after getting out of an abusive relationship that destroyed my identity. The necklace is made from dog tags and has the words Respect, Ambition, Integrity, and Trust. Values that I wrote down and would look for in a woman. I’d use these values as boundaries, and if a woman crossed my line, I would tell them that I did not approve of their actions. If this happened again, I’d see they were not willing to listen and deem them not worthy of pursuing any further. Don’t let people step over your boundaries because that’s your emotional shield, and once a woman knows she can push you, the tests will only get more demanding, and if you’re not a strong, confident man, this is going to play games with your head and leave you feeling insecure. Women love men with vision, aspirations, and confidence. Some who leads with love and compassion, and wishes to take them on a journey. Be that man.
Your health? Your responsibility. Your love life? Your responsibility. Your financial situation? Your responsibility.
2. Be the leader, stop being passive and make the decisions.
I’d arguably say for the most part up until the age of 16–18 years our decisions are made for us by our parents, teachers, and guardians. Even at the age of 25–30, most millennials are precisely sure of their vision for life, so they just tend to go with the flow. In life, we have two chooses, be a character of your own story or be a part of another one account and never experience what it’s like to play the casting role. It takes confidence to be decisive, and that ultimately comes from experience.
Are you a man who has done the same mundane thing his whole life? Thirty years old and all your doing is spending your days at work, watching TV, gambling and drinking away the pain at the weekend — on repeat? Do you tend to use phrases such as ‘I don’t know’, ‘I don’t care’, ‘You decide’ in your relationship?
How are you expecting to make big life decisions, e.g. parenting, financial and career decisions with confidence, when you don’t know anything different due to lack of life experiences. It makes it very difficult to be a man who is the source of playfulness, pleasure, and energy, that is ready for adventure in the future if you’re stuck in a rut of doing nothing. Ultimately this is what a woman is seeking from you; she’s seeking continued excitement and belief that her man has got shit handled. If you’re not, she will become bored, bitter and resentful and eventually leave you. I’m not asking you to move to the other side of the world on your own. Although through my experience I would recommend it to everyone. It’s such a test of character, and if you can make it through, the reward is beyond that of most life experiences. However, do spend your twenty workings hard, as hard as you can to find the limits you can push yourself physically, mentally and socially because once you find that limit, you’re able to design your life so that you are not overwhelmed but are steadily progressing beyond your comfort zone — a time where you need to grow and be successful.
Confidence is key to self-leadership and can make you infinitely more attractive to the opposite sex. But don’t get cockiness and arrogance confused with confidence. Belief is the ability to take action without reservation. The confident mature man will make plans, set goals and plan how to get what he wants.
When it comes to seeking relationships, make plans and take the girl out. Stop asking what they would like to do and seeking approval. Stay true to yourself, do the things you wish to do and invite them to join. The unconfident man tends to put on a persona. A mask to try and make themselves more appealing to the opposite sex. The result will only backfire, a woman can see right through this mask and test your core to see if you stay true the person you are expressing. If you are wearing a mask, your failure to follow through with your action and beliefs will only annoy her and push her away.
Develop your physical appearance, stand up straight with your shoulders back, keep your head held high and use eye contact. Stay emotionally aware, responsive, not reactive and be motivated. Whatever you do though, be integral, if you make plans stick to them and stay true to your words, because words mean more to a woman that you realise, and a man who does not stay true to his world, is a boy.
3. Stop being needy
We all have needs, but it’s when you rely on others to meet those needs that it becomes an issue. For men, this sense of needing someone to take care of them never goes away. It’s an internal part of our psychology. Eve was created from the rib of Adam, to nurture and support his purpose through life; however, those males stuck in their boy psychology tend to go two ways. They hold on the feminine side and overly express a need to be viewed as ‘the good guy’. These men often have issues with dependency on relationships, lack assertiveness and become a pushover. On the other side, some males become the polar opposite, jumping from bed to bed, woman to woman and create this ‘bad boy’ image that is a result of validation seeking through fear of the feminine side. Both of these people are emotionally draining to others, and it’s through insecurity and a lack of true masculinity that they create these personas.
Mature masculine men are independent; they rely on others for support when it’s needed but have the confidence to know that their lives will thrive regardless of what happens. The independent man is looking for someone to join him on his life journey. They don’t seek attention from females to fill a void because he needs validation from others to feel good. These men are kings in search of their queen.
The strong man is independent regardless of his relationship. To create independence, you need to know who you are. Again, not the superficial persona that you’ve created to impress others, but the person whom you want to be if there was no one around to judge you. Ask yourself if you’re honest. Sit in the front of your mirror look deep into your eyes and ask, am I getting what I want from life? If the answer is no, then you need to start taking action to get the things you want.
You need to be willing to challenge your beliefs. Over the last three years, many of my views have changed as a result of becoming more self-aware and noticing the way I respond to certain situations. For example, in a prior relationship’s I’ve have had difficulties communicating what I want from my partner, in fear of asking for too much and being a burden, however, now I’m able to vocally express such needs without creating some kind of subconscious bribe or covert contract. Become more assertive. Set boundaries, learn to say no, and don’t be afraid to ask for what you want.
4. Become a man of value
Life as a boy is all consume and take. You use up the resources around you as a means to learn, create and play. However, as you age, if this behaviour continues into adulthood, this can become a burden in your relationships. You tend to bring people down as a mean’s to increase your status. You value taking, over-giving, and this can drain those around you.
Do you turn up to the party to be the centre of attention?
Do your friend by a round of drinks, and you never return the favour?
It’s effortless to become a person who is emotionally, financially or physically draining on others. We are all naturally rather selfish animals, we tend to look out for ourselves, and without conscious thought, this can become a very unattractive trait, that will result in withdrawal of attention from others, and you’ll find yourself feeling lonely, as you fail to create the correct connections for stable relationships.
Your future to success is giving!
Every successful or likable person will bring value to others whether that’s resources, energy or only enjoyment. You need to be a man who engages in conversation, is curious about others and validates people to make them feel good. Challenge those around you to become better people and make sure to smile, pay attention and actively listen to others rather than waiting for your chance to talk. Connect, appreciate and appraise others. Help, support and leave an individual feeling better than when you first met them. Do this as a habit, every day without expectation. Not too long ago I did a short social experiment. I spent a month giving out as much free value to as many people as possible. If I genuinely felt like complimenting someone, I would walk up and tell them if I could be of benefit to someone I would offer my support. I attempting to connect as many friends as possible and tried to bring enjoyment to those around me as much as possible. Within the first week, I was invited to two engagement parties, was brought dinners by two friends an gifted an expensive bottle of whiskey for being a positive influence on others. Giving value is one of the best ways to increase internal satisfaction. It’s such an important concept that most business should be focusing on value exchange over profit because adding value is indispensable to creating foundations of a stable two-way relationship of reciprocity.
I’ve been observing a good friend of mine over the last couple of years. He’s a successful man, who’s currently travelling the world with his fantastic wife enjoying every moment he can. Because of his ability to bring value into peoples, live’s by offering support, being an excellent friend and connecting people I’ve seen him receive gifts many priceless gifts, he’s invited to incredible parties all over the world and has a vast network of successful friends. All because he spent time listening, uplifting others and creating opportunities to give whenever he can. He’s a role model and a damn good person. You can be that too.
I had no intention of writing this much content. However, I seemed to have got myself into a good flow state and was enjoying expressing some opinions. I hope that it reaches others and perhaps even adds value into your life. This article is not about judging others, but to offer some solutions to an issue that many of today’s men are suffering. This realisation is something that I wish someone told me a few years ago; it would have prevented multiple failed relationships, many heartaches, financial losses and I’d probably be much more successful than I am now. If you wish to read more into the matter then some books I’d recommend are:
- King, Warrior, Magician, Lover by Robert Moore & Douglas Gillette.
- The Way of the Spiritual Man — A Spiritual Guide to Mastering the Challenges of Women, Work, and Sexual Desire by David Deida.
- The Mask of Masculinity by Lewis Howes.
- Models: Attract Women Through Honesty by Mark Manson.
Thank you for taking the time to read, if you would like to contact me in any way please follow me on Instagram @performancethroughhealth or email me on firstname.lastname@example.org